My Spiritual Education: 18 year Old High School Senior

Andrew O’Riordan

5/26/99     A Block

The Wisdom I Have Gleaned from Father White’s Class,and Its Role in my Spiritual Development

There is even something in the name of the class, Christian Life Choices, which suggests that the breadth and scope of the course is greater than usual.  And in retrospect it truly is.  In one short semester, this class endeavors to teach the three basic life choices which each Christian encounters: Married life, single life, and ordained ministry.  The knowledge which this course attempts to instill is critical for us, the students, at such a vital juncture in our life journeys.  

The opening weeks of the course (and the introductory chapters of the book) focus on the most basic and universal tenants of Christian philosophy.  In this section of the course, I was most profoundly affected by the concept of the dignity of work.  A few years ago I dedicated myself to a certain tenet of the foundationalism of Ayn Rand, an erudite philosopher-writer of the 1950’s.  That tenet is that the work we choose for ourselves should be the greatest expression of our personal value systems.  I was excited to learn that this is a Christian value as well.  Too often in our culture work is perceived as a necessary evil.  But for me it is a vital and essential part of my story.  I admit that I sometimes feel guilty because I know that I could always do more, especially during my recent tenure at Uni.  I think my feeling of self-worth is at times contingent upon how hard I work, how much I do for others, how good of a person I am, and these are absolutely noble ideals.  But I am a moral perfectionist, and knowing that I could always work harder, do more, and be better, I sometimes lose self-confidence.  I think that this is where the Christian concept of leisure, as presented in the course, may help me in the future.  In the book, leisure is defined as time that is not filled up with work and other duties.  But as the book emphasizes, leisure is NOT synonymous with lethargy, hedonism, or escapism.  Leisure is meant to be creative, regenerative, and fun!  This is what I have learned in the course, but I must confess that I have not yet completely incorporated this as wisdom in my life, though I do think it is true.  Does this mean that I am a sinner, since I am not practicing a morality I believe to be the truth?  But maybe I am overdramatic.  I have many creative and leisurely outlets, such as surfing and reading.  These activities revive my soul and teach me about myself and the world.  Yet I also engage in certain festivities which are characteristic of many privileged teenagers in a comfortable and wonderful but protected biosphere such as Uni.  ( I realize I am being vague here, Father, but it is easy to equivocate when dealing with sensitive subjects).  Yes, I know what it is like to be very drunk.  I recognize the artificiality of the sensation of being “on top of the world,” and I can see how many people lose their life in it.  Yet I have not rejected it as part of my lifestyle. This issue preoccupied me as we learned about work and leisure, and it is as yet unresolved.  I think I know the path to take; now I need to muster the courage.  In my internal struggle, you (as well as Mrs. Davis, Mr. Roth, Dr. Kelly, Mr. Yaley, Mr. Deely and Mr. Feres) inspire me.       

Another chapter which affected me was titled “Money and Possessions.”  I had a basic idea of the Christian attitude towards the material world before reading the chapter, but the chapter acted as an intellectual springboard for me to delve into these issues in greater detail.  I think it must be hard to teach this subject to people, because though many students don’t realize it, the material world and its value system dictates the path that many will take.  I know that you realize the folly of faith in such things, because you have taken a vow of poverty (and because of your story about the Yo-Yo Ma CD).  But you are operating your class in one of the wealthiest and most beautiful cities in the history of the world, and we are some of the most qualified students around.  We have been inundated (and continue to be) with material values from every corner of society, and many of us have parents who subscribe to the doctrine of money, simply because of the nature of their work.  We live in a capitalist society, so money is essentially a God.  But I don’t know whether I object unilaterally to money.  I think money can be a symbol of how hard someone has worked, and it can be a means to acquire what one wants.  But when one must have it for self-confidence or to convince others of his or her worth, then money is clearly being abused.  And there is one part of the chapter to which I emphatically object, the part which says that money isn’t freedom.  I think it would be hard to convince a suffering and hungry man living in a shanty town in Calcutta that money would not give him a degree of freedom.  However, I concede that money will not lead to the ultimate freedom of God’s love, which is priceless. 

The next chapter which I distinctly remember, that dealing with sexuality, is one that has helped me in my everyday life.  I will not forget this chapter’s definition of sexuality-the positive and physical energy we use to relate to ALL people.  It was so nice to hear this definition from a Catholic textbook.  Before what had been prominent in my mind is the Old Church’s dealing with sexuality, which was not dealing with it.  Sex was not to be enjoyed, or talked about, or even unitive.  And now, less than a century since those ideas prevailed, I am reading this.  I respect the Church for this change.

My conduct towards others has become more casual and affectionate as a direct result of this chapter.  I now realize that it is important to touch people, and hold them, and kiss them.  If we are to unite as a race, we must be physically comfortable with one another.  Our physical actions must symbolize our intellectual convictions.

However, there is a negative to the increasing casualness of human inter-relations, and that is increasing violence.  I was recently the victim of such violence.  It was mild, and I did not fight back because I was so surprised that someone would try to hurt me.  But the mental conviction of my attacker was directly reflected in his physical action, and this endangered me.  Our sexuality must be positive, and our education must increase, if we are to become more physically comfortable with each other.

The chapter on single life was the one that I had been waiting to read.  People who have denied the comfort and social acceptability of marriage have always intrigued me.  In my study of history, I have learned that INDIVIDUALS make impacts on society.  These have often been individuals with the time, energy, and resources of a single lifestyle.  Ghandi mobilized an entire nation of people in the name of Christian values, virtually by himself!  The debate over whether man shapes history or history shapes man is irrelevant in this case.  Ghandi was, in every respect, one of the most extraordinary humans to walk this earth.  And his status as a single man must be considered in an analysis of his life.

I am just excited that the single life is treated by this book as a valid life choice, because it is, in every respect.  I believe that the success of a man or woman depends on the amount of good he or she does in the world, and there is no reason a single person cannot do this good alone.  However, I also realize that this is to many the least attractive life choice.  It is only addressed in one chapter, which says something.  Solitude and loneliness are fearsome emotions, and I do not wish them on others.  Yet these are the connotative emotions of a single life, and for good reason.  When you live alone, eat alone, or sleep alone, it is difficult to escape the reality of every man’s isolation in the world.  It is much easier to escape when your beautiful children are running circles around you and your wife is telling you she loves you.  In this case, it is easy to forget that we all die alone.   

The chapters pertaining to marriage were a whole different deck of cards.  These were not very revealing to me.  I realize the necessity of presenting this information to students, because it is vital if one is to choose one’s spouse intelligently, but I felt that much of it was rehashed from what I see somewhere every day of my life.  Whether on a magazine cover, a radio show, one of my mom’s books on Co-Dependency or somewhere else, I am inundated with information about marriage.  Maybe that’s because everyone is married!!!  Marriage seems to be an inextricable part of every life.  In truth, I have met people who could never be happy until they met the spouse of their dreams, after which time everything would come up roses.  I do not adhere to this philosophy (if it can even be called that-I would call it cultural and moral passivity).  I do not believe that I must get married to lead a rewarding life.  But it is hard to continue believing this while existing in American society.

Also, I am not really thinking of marriage right now.  The previous chapters interested me more because they were immediately and directly applicable to my life.  But marriage!  I still feel like a kid.  I’m thinking about school, and friends, and fun, and girls, but I don’t want to marry them (yet).  So for the above reasons, my attention waned during these chapters.  Nevertheless, I recognize the value of the information, and I don’t doubt it will be useful if and when I began to seek a lifelong companion.

And now, finally, we come to the chapters on religious life.  I was excited to study this material for a number of reasons, not the least of which was that you are a priest, and what you can tell us of religious life is genuine and based on your experience.  I listened eagerly whenever you spoke of your experiences as a priest, your relations to other people in the capacity of a priest, and especially how you transcended your identity and were like everybody else in pursuit of God’s holy call to love.  I am most intrigued by the vows you have taken, and which were presented in the chapter, those of poverty, chastity, and obedience.  These three commitments are LIFELONG, as you know much better than I, and they are sublimely honorable.  They espouse love for the human family, for God, and for oneself, in a way that is most tangible and recognizable for society to observe.  There is an automatic respect accorded to priests because of these vows.  We all know of their nobility, but only you few who solemnly keep them know of their gravity.  I honor you, Father Mike, and hope that one day I can be so noble.

I especially enjoyed the videos shown during this part of the course.  It was thrilling to learn of the exploits of Cardinal Bernardin, partly because he is an American, which means that he fought the same materialistic culture with which I am struggling, but mostly because he was so genuine.  When he was confronted with a man who had falsely accused him of an abominable act, pedophilia, he forgave him and bore no malice.  That is truly the Living Gospel

There is more I would have like to learn.  I would like to hear more of your stories, Father Mike.  I think you should make time in a couple more classes to tell us more of your experiences in Texas and Brazil, of growing up in Riverside, of your decision to become a priest, etc.  I have found that I have more respect for the experience of others than the words of a textbook, however true they may be, because the former has a more human element.  It would be inspiring to hear of the many people you have met, the struggles you have had as a priest, and the way in which it has changed the manner in which you relate to other people.  Then maybe the class could have a couple of days to ask questions which had arisen in listening to your narration.  I don’t know whether this would be too imposing or personal for you, but I know that kids would listen raptly if you decided to do it, because you have chosen a life path which many of us don’t seriously consider.

I am satisfied with my learning in the other areas of the class.  The framework for the course is well established in the beginning, and the momentum carried for me right through the portion on single life.  Married life is absolutely necessary, but it just doesn’t interest me right now.  

Where do I go from here?  Physically I will go to the East Coast.  Intellectually, I will immerse myself in the academics of Princeton.  But spiritually?  It is hard for me to know right now.  I have so many internal battles, and my morality is vital to me, and I know that I have the good sense to use my Catholic education to maximize my potential.  But it’s hard to be a kid in the twentieth century.  Darwin has broken down our faith in being created as God’s special project.  Freud has destroyed the concept of ourselves as rational beings.  Karl Marx, a leading intellectual, said that “Religion is the opiate of the people.”  And Albert Camus, a vital man in existentialist thought, saw religion as illusion.  I know all this, and I know what I have been taught, and, Father Mike, it is so hard to know what to do.  

Nevertheless, it is clear to me what Catholicism would have me do.  My God would have me know Him and myself.  He wants me to refine my moral system, establish relationships with others, and sow the seeds of love and union in my everyday life.  He wants me to grow and learn, with an old man’s  keen perception and a child’s eagerness.  My God wants me to love his Son and to follow the Light of the World.

But what would He have me choose for my life?  Does He want me to meet a woman and know her as I want to know myself?  Does He want me to concentrate all of my energy on a universal love for mankind, while remaining single?  Does He want me to join the ranks of the clergy and pray and serve Him?  The truth is, I don’t know.  But I can’t tell you how comforting that truth is at the moment.  I don’t know, and I don’t have to know.  I will know when I am ready, because I trust Him.  And when He (re: my soul, my innermost being) reveals to me my life choice, I will embrace it with a smile, knowing that I have the educational groundwork under my feet for any path I choose.